My name is Aradia. I am about to be seventeen years old. For at least fifteen of those years I have seen and heard frightening images and voices that those around me do not see or hear. For a long time we thought it was my imagination, then that I may be psychic, then that it was spiritual warfare. Maybe some of the things can be explained by that but not all. It wasn’t until I asked my mom to commit me to a mental health hospital in January of this year that we realized most, if not all of this can be explained by a chemical imbalance which causes mental illness.
I have been officially diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder. In a way its a relief. If schizophrenia and chronic mood disorders had a baby it would be called Schizoaffective Disorder. This is what I have but not what I AM. I deal with psychosis (visual and auditory hallucinations), major depressive disorder (unrelenting sadness) and generalized anxiety disorder (almost everything frightens me). This has left some scarring memories. It has made it hard for me to “fit in”.
Imagine being a tiny child and seeing a dead body swinging in the closet that no one else could see. Or screaming demonic faces hurtling towards you in the darkness. I’m glad my brain is not “normal” because a normal brain wouldn’t be able to handle the things I’ve seen. This caused a lack of sleep because I was afraid of what would get me when I was sleeping and sometimes I was awake for three days at a time. That in itself will cause hallucinations. When I finally could fall asleep it was haunted with nightmares. Or I would be spaced out in class and get in trouble for not paying attention. Schizoaffective Disorder can be caused by trauma or genetics. Mom said mine is definitely caused by genetics because our whole family is nuts and I’ve had the symptoms of psychosis (thought disorder) long before the mood disorders. She always told me everybody is crazy but there’s “good crazy” and “bad crazy”.
I also got in trouble for talking too much and fidgeting too much in school if I wasn’t spacing out. I was bullied often and my preferred survival technique was to curl up like a possum but my mouth kept running. Not a wise combination. So I went back and forth between public school and homeschool and am homeschooling now and will be until I’m ninety-five or die of Algebra oversaturation. In fact, this blog is a homeschool project and a community service because if you are like me or you meet someone like me, you might understand them or yourself a little better.
So let’s see where this takes us and I strongly encourage you to leave a comment telling my teacher (Mom) to give me an A…..in Algebra.